I’m learning to be kids again. They got a smile that speaks of everything.
From forgetting to forgiving. From indulging to enjoying. From letting out to letting go.
Ideas for this entry somewhat came from a Vietnamese song that youths have been sung for a while, “Love from the beginning” (Yêu lại từ đầu). But this entry is not only about that passionate love. This is about more than that, some kinds of love that shake our hearts in all cases throughout our lives.
I’m about to back to my home country. It’s a bit sad to be separated to this land where I was on for a while, a land that full of birds singing and flowers blossoming, to back to a country where there are not many birds, not many flowers, not that fresh, people have less smiles and less gratitudes… But I will come back to it soon, so I’m practicing somethings now, a visualizing practice.
In this practice, I imagine that: when I’m at the Tan Son Nhat airport, I may look to the sky, feel the noise around, breath in the -more – polluted – air – than – Aussie’s, look at more.serious.faces.than.Aussie’s, embrace the more.chaotic.traffic.than.Aussie’s, and then I would tell myself: “D, you should learn to love all of them again“. “You should learn to love them without any grief or regret, again as before“.
You should love them again, not because you have no other choice, but because they’re not wrong to be like that. It’s only you – me – who is wrong to expect them to change up to my new standard. It’s my mind whose came out and asked the outside to adapt to me. In the end, anyway, that’s where my birth took place, where my parents are living, where people who speak the same language with me are staying, where things I used to be familliar with are continuing to flourish everyday.
Actually, matters like this happen all the time – not until hearing the song “Yeu lai tu dau” which made me think of this. As an ironic habit, we continually skipping old stuffs for new ones, continually dropping our old loves into new ones – and “stuffs” here including almost everything: our old house, old trees, old clothes, old cars, old pets, old friends, even old parents : ). When we first love them, it was so easy – they were actually new at that time, they are fresh, they came to us and we came to them because we both have something to love inside each other – this is true for both cases: humans towards objects and humans towards humans. But day by day, as everything decayed by the time and even by us, they are no longer beautiful in our eyes.
And eventually, we love them less.
We love them less because they are in worse conditions – sound logical, but it’s not really. Shouldn’t we love them more when they are worse – they are in trouble, they are suffering?
I don’t mention much here about physical objects since the reasons make them “uglier” are often natural ones. For example, when clothes are getting old, we tend to buy new ones. When houses are getting old, we try to build a new one. When laptops & phone getting out – of – date, we would look for a another. It’s easy to understand anyway. It’s also reasonable, anyway.
However, for “emotional subjects” such as our parents, friends, our teachesr, our relatives, even our homes (not house) & our countries, what make them “uglier” primarily lie inside them and us. We don’t hate friends because they are getting old – that’s silly. We don’t divorce our partner just because their legs are broken or their eyes get impaired – that’s unlikely too. We dumped them for their attitudes & behaviors.
So often, we change our minds towards people because of what they’ve done or said. When our parents/ relatives/ friends/ partners expressed themselves throughout the relationship, there will be something that make us unhappy, angry or unpleasant. Consequently, we reacted to their behaviors and got judgements, in which the “deterioration stage” begin to progress. In other words, it’s us who believe that they are “uglier” – when they show something unacceptable to our eyes & our hearts. It’s us who turn their images in our minds into something “uglier”.
It’s us who make those people being decayed in our memories.
It’s us who want to kick them away by putting more reasons to persuade that we are right & they are wrong.
In fact, those people were like that before meeting us. We just draw more things upon their behaviors, and make their mistakes look more serious.
When looking around these days, I realized that: actually, I have to love again many things. There are not only my country, my home city, my polluted hometown which I need to love again, but also a lot more.
I have to learn to love my parents again, when I saw someone’s parents who give them more than mine gave me. They have more than one house, more than one bank account, more than one this, more than one that. Their parents isn’t this old, isn’t this poor, isn’t harsh, don’t push their children so hard…
I have to learn my friends again, when I saw somethings they did isn’t so wonderful. They don’t do what I expected. They don’t love me the way I want. They don’t do this, don’t do that. They don’t smile at me as much as other strangers did. Why their voices aren’t soft as theirs were at the first time?
I have to learn to love what I did again, when I saw someone’s job is perfectly perfect. Whatever they did, they are successfull. They received thousand praises, they are admired by alot. Whatever I did, I usually cause troubles to others. Why this, and why that.
I even have to learn to love myself again – and this is the most critical part – when seeing those who better than me. They can sing, I can’t. They can dance, I can’t. They’re just 16 and published 10 books, I haven’t. They finished 10 stories, I didn’t. They have a good paid job, I haven’t. They have more friends, I don’t. They can travel many times a year and take their parents with them, I can’t afford any of us.
Honestly, I’m not that unlucky and unfaithful : )). I personally knew that I did somethings good and really inspired someone else. I personally don’t hate parents or friends in those ways : )). I know, but in certain situations, when ill- will raising without mindfullness following up, those negative thoughts burst out of my mind and take control. I then clinged to the ideas of jealousy, hatred, comparision and so on. I made my loved ones uglier and forgot the reason “Why did I love all of those before?”.
And, that were the moments I have to learn to love again.
Love my parents again – they still love me as the first time I came to this world. Love my place of birth again – there are still houses, trees, birds and people who are struggling to smile everyday. Love my friends again- 5 years ago, they might shouted at me in anger, but they are courteous now, who knows?
Love myself again. This body is precious. This hands is usable. This eyes is priceless. Others parts are the same.
There is actually nothing “ugly”. When learning to love again, we will have to find a reason. In order to do so, we should dig deep enough to seek for one – deep enough to see the pain lying beanearth every anger, every negative action. In fact, there is no one who is happy that wanna throw bad words to others. When they are trying to hurt us, they’ve been wounded already. So we should dig deep enough to finally see their wounds. And when appropriate reasons pops out, they will sweep away all the dirts and ugliness.
I’ve tried several times to “love again” like this. It isn’t easy, I have to confess, but worth trying. A warm feeling of appreciation will rise after that, inevitably – a feeling that nothing can replace, compete or defeat. A feeling in which I know I can do that again – I can “love again” more people, more subjects, can find more wounds to obtain more warmth for my heart. A feeling which no chocolate from boyfriend or gift from anyone else can be compared to.
It’s just weird. I know, it’s just weird that trying to love “something bad” can be that good. It’s just weird that loving “something bad” can bring such a fullfilment of happiness.
Like a reward.
A reward of doing homework – homework of “learning to love again”.